To my already-adored third baby,
After having my second baby I thought I was “done”. I had a girl and then a boy, which many see as “enough”. But, to my surprise, it didn’t take long to realize that what many see as the perfect set wasn’t quite complete for me.
My second pregnancy was a very difficult, emotional time for me, strained by fallout from the pandemic and tested relationships, and it lasted through your brother’s first year of life. As much as none of that changed the incredible amount of love and attachment that developed between me and your brother, I didn’t want to end my child-bearing chapter on that note.
I wanted the chance to carry my baby in peace, not pain.
I wanted to bring my baby into a happy home without tension.
I wanted to spend the first few months of my baby’s life snuggling instead of having to rush back to work within a few weeks.
Especially important to me, I wanted nothing but positive memories in the wake of my baby’s first milestones.
Time flew by so fast with your brother that within months I knew that I wanted one last chance to smell sweet baby’s breath and hear precious baby coos.
I wanted one last opportunity to wrap a little bundle of joy against my chest and carry it everywhere I went, enjoying those unique moments of attachment we’ll only experience in that first year.
I wanted another chance to enjoy sustaining those first few months of life through breastfeeding, and to experience the incredible bonding that takes place during that process.
I wanted you.
I didn’t immediately know it. I wondered whether I could do it again, or if I should do it again. I went back and forth between being okay with being done and not being able to fathom being done. It was a rollercoaster of emotions for one of life’s biggest decisions. Your daddy and I started to plan it out. Having a toddler and a baby can be tough, so we thought we could either wait three more years when your big sister and brother were a little older, we could just push through the chaos and go for it now, or we could truly just be done…apparently, you liked the second option because before we came to a decision we were blessed with you!
You were meant to be ours, and you were meant to be ours at this time.
Initially, I was flooded with worries. I thought:
“Will 2 toddlers and a baby be too hard?”
“Does society even accommodate families of more than 4?”
“Will this baby get the attention it needs?”
and so much more…
Then you gave me the most precious little photo of yourself at my 2nd ultrasound appointment:
You were absolutely perfect. You already reminded me so much of your brother, and in that moment I knew that if his birth could succeed all the turmoil in my life at that time and replace it with an incredible love, there was no doubt your presence would erase all of the silly worries that swirled in my mind.
In that moment looking at you I was at peace and reminded of the wonders, not worries, that your presence would bring – a set of brothers to look out for your sweet sissy, a second young man for your daddy to take pride in raising and carrying on our family’s name, another mama’s boy for me to dote over (because Lord knows my obsession with your brother has become excessive…for his own good, it needed to be split), and one more smiling, tumbling, giggling, curly-headed cub to add to our pack and create the house full of kids I always wanted growing up.
My third baby, you’ve come to complete our family and nothing in this world or that this world lacks can take away from that.
There will always be room for you, and there will always be love for you.
I already love you so much, and I cannot wait for that beautiful, unforgettable day when I get to meet you.
Love,
Mommy
Written by: Alycia Rene @cubsandchaos
